Mental Health Scholarships

To sum things up:
I am 19 years old and held a knife in my heart the first time in 11 years.
I am in awe. 24 / 7

My parents divorced when I was 3. I moved with my father and stepmother at age 15. My mother is in credit card debt. It is too dysfunctional. My father and my mother make more 40kA per year and are in medicine. I have 2 step brothers and a sister who turn to me. I have an older brother who did not even remember. He still lives with my mother.

The thing is, I had to leave. I can not be around her. I no longer calls it like I did. When I left what I wanted to do was back to 10 years, with a backseat full of food supplies. But today, I feel I can not even see the possibility of tomorrow. I'm down. I have a 3.4 GPA at my community college in force. I'm half of my associates. Currently, the only time my stepmother looked at me and spoke for 2 minutes a day is when she wants information. My father thinks that everything is fine. My mother is dead to me. It ruined his life and not worth the loss of time for me more. Everything she does is complain about his life. I need to sort my academic life at the moment. I have an athletic build. I plan on getting certified as a personal trainer. I do not know what to get a bachelor's degree in.

When I left, I have sacrificed my happiness and home, success and luck. I jumped away, I had scholarships, became the head of a club and now I'm in the honor society. I pay a great job and I saved a lot so far.

I'm afraid of losing everything. However, I am confident to talk to anyone and do not take crap.

My mother is depressed and a maximum lifetime low. It seems that happiness is more difficult to realize that the success of our days. How do I get happy again. I can not even keep a relationship with a girlfriend. I feel that I lose everything and I got it.

Sometimes I just want to put a bullet in the head in a field somewhere in the distance.

I'm down. I'll make an appointment with my psychiatrist old. But I feel that I can fix this before they have to do.
I'm not stressed. I'm accustomed to stress. I'm hurt.

Help me with what ever advice you can offer me.
Thank you

(This is not the feelings that bother me. It's fear. My feelings are pretty much the mute now. I feel angry against myself to fight. Anger in the habit of fuel. Now, I tried to be happy because of my success. But I feel bad position. I'm stuck.)

I have the feeling that you feel soooo lost. Your mother has failed .. that the most important person in your life and it bombed and it hurts I'm sure. Unfortunately work hard and excel, but it will numb the pain will not prevail. And because it is not going away, we are afraid. I was 18 and unable to leave my house because of fear. Afraid of what? Who knows, but in retrospect I understand that I am a woman loved and abused. I hurt so bad, but could not get rid of the pain and I was afraid of the world, because if the only person who was to love and support me could not or did not like me .. . How can anyone ever love me? I still think so much. Lonely and unloved. However, I discovered a great joy to know that the great God of the universe came and died for me because he loved me. Now, I know him and he loves me and I do not hurt a bit less bad. The pain is still their, but fear ... and he takes care of that now.

You can not "solve the problem" before seeing your psychiatrist. Visit him / her and pour all this. There are too many things to do for someone here to offer practical help, with the exception see your doc.